spacematic.net

Jen Long, veteran resident of Bass Lofts and organizer of Summer Dog Park Cinema, has given me a challenge – she wants me to go on a L5P photo safari to document the state of the wall art and sundry installations of graffiti in our fair community. Little did she know, I’ve been doing just that over a period of several years. But it’s probably high time I took another pass at it, as the lifespan of these works is exceedingly brief.

For today’s entry, I decided to re-post a number of my favorites. Not all of them are masterpieces. Some are rudimentary, at best. Some are absurd. Some aren’t even what many people would call “art.” Then again, art of this type is not so much defined by “proper” critique as it is defined by those it affects. All of these pieces affected me in one way or another. And so, here they are.

All of the images in this gallery were present in previous incarnations of spacematic.net. God help me, I won’t suffer the loss of another database! Enjoy! –mike

Not too long ago, I said that TiVo makes it possible to enjoy better programming in the same space of time one would normally be watching crap TV. That remains true, but if you haven’t gotten one of these things yet, let me warn you about an illness I’ve encountered: Two-Week TiVo Overdose.
Don’t get me wrong, you need a DVR. But making the adjustment to the new device’s many features and capabilities will turn you into a fool for about two weeks. When I got mine, I dove into the relatively trouble-free setup, spent an hour or two watching TV and promptly went about my business. The first few days, TiVo was just another component in my entertainment system. But then the silly little bugger started finding things for me to watch, and I was unprepared for such altruism. Each time I went to the TiVo Suggestions menu, I was intrigued by the offerings. Shows I never even knew existed were magically waiting for me! I had to watch.
Before I knew it, my normal viewing habits were out the window and I spiraled into an ungodly television binge over a two-week period. I couldn’t move, my eyes were bloodshot, I felt the need to snack almost constantly. Roughly thirty hours a week were spent in this state. TiVo – Damn You! You weaseled your way into my home and hijacked my spare time with countless episodes of “South Park,” “King Of The Hill,” “Flavor Of Love” and “Mail Call.” And those were just a few of the Season Passes I had set up.
What makes the little beast completely irresistible is its ability to seek out new things to record based on your interests. TiVo quickly learned that I like documentaries, so while I caught up on R. Lee Ermey’s hyper-enthusiastic demonstrations of military technology, TiVo simultaneously recorded nature shows, disaster scenarios and biographies. My favorite doc title by far was “When Beaches Attack!” Who could resist a show so fetchingly titled? I simply had to learn about beaches that lurk in the shadows, waiting axiously for the chance to strike out at unsuspecting tourists. In all of my years of visiting beaches, not once have I worried about turning my back on one. The last thing you expect is a beach sneaking up on you, deftly slicing through your achilles tendon, pummelling you into submission and taking your wallet. But wait a second – I have had a beach steal my sunglasses. And my money. But homicide? Not the beaches I know. They’ve always seemed so calm and quiet. Just kinda keep to themselves, ya know? Now I know better.
Toward the middle of my two-weeks of television mayhem, my dog started to whine whenever I picked up the remote control. She was my savior. If not for her constant attempts to pry me away from the idiot box, I probably would have remained there, basking in the warm, lobotomizing cathode-rays. I would have been overcome with the mysterious urge to lean on random watercoolers and recapitulate the latest happenings on “24.” As she helped me recover from my addiction, I realized that there really is a Dog… and she loves me very much.
Now things seem like they’re back to normal, and I’ve been able to temper my viewing habits. I’m back to my old schedule of three hours a day. When used judiciously, TiVo is a brilliant tool. But as is the case with all technology, it must be treated with respect, and maybe even a little suspicion. Dare I continue using the TiVo? Of course I should! The cute little thing would get lonely if I just left it there.
Truly, the marketing of a component as an anthropomorphized “TV friend” who is eager to please was a brilliant move.  As if television weren’t addictive enough already, TiVo has incorporated a Tamagochi-esque animated mascot who magically learns what you like to watch, seeking out programming tailored to your interests and input. Aww, simpwy puh-wesshious! But Allie’s got things under control. She’s ever vigilant, and she’ll be damned if a silver box replaces her as man’s new best friend. –mike

You’ve probably heard me talking about this weird site before. What exactly is the Monkeytronic Circus of Conquest? Quite simply, it’s “A Treatise On The Enjoyability Of Fun.”
That phrase is the guiding light for all content that makes its way into the Monkeytronic realm. MCOC is a loose affiliation of images, text, music and chaos. For all the noise and random dictates, an elusive but undeniable theme emerges. The Circus Of Conquest is a reservoir of silliness, a digital monument to what is on the mind of the populace. It is naked badness forged in code.
Its entries are provided by Russell Warner and myself. Thanks to the diligence and web-savvy of the former, contributions tend to mix and randomize into a directionless voyage sure to confuse any user brave enough to click through the endless barrage of imagery. MCOC is an assault on reason and an insult to usability. It is designed to test your patience and tickle your fancy.
Most importantly, MCOC utilizes a tool (the www) designed for organization of thought and abuses it thoroughly, deconstructing the nature of logic and creating on-the-fly symbolism to no practical end. Sound interesting? I suggest you go visit it. http://www.monkeytroniccircusofconquest. Operators are standing around and sneering at your file request.
Oh yeah, and in a shameless display of ego-whoring, I submit to you a sample of spacematic music designed for Monkeytronic use. Click HERE to give it a listen. Beware, this file is super-loud. I suggest you reduce your standard listening volume and adjust to your liking once the file starts playing. Later! –Mike

Google is a great company, whose mantra is “Don’t Be Evil.” Still, they’re entitled to a little fun now and then. And what better way to do it than fake one’s own gruesome death? Well, since that one kinda back-fired on me, it’s no wonder Google didn’t employ the same tactic to rile its patrons. No, they did one better, by poking fun at their various “beta” products. Googles Beta products are largely free and extraordinarily useful. Take Gmail, for example. I have an account, and I must say that it’s the best email I’ve ever had. Problem is, you can’t just go sign up for it. You must know someone who has it, then you have to hope they send you an invite. But since every participant gets fifty invites, you must be very low on the friend list not to get one.
For April 1, 2005, Google announced a new Beta product rollout, Google Gulp! A description of the product is as follows:

At Google our mission is to organize the world’s information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information’s usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who’s using it. That’s why we’re pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)��� with Auto-Drink��� (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of “smart drinks” designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty. Think fruity. Think refreshing. Think a DNA scanner embedded in the lip of your bottle reading all 3 gigabytes of your base pair genetic data in a fraction of a second, fine-tuning your individual hormonal cocktail in real time using our patented Auto-Drink��� technology, and slamming a truckload of electrolytic neurotransmitter smart-drug stimulants past the blood-brain barrier to achieve maximum optimization of your soon-to-be-grateful cerebral cortex. Plus, it’s low in carbs! And with flavors ranging from Beta Carroty to Glutamate Grape, you’ll never run out of ways to quench your thirst for knowledge.

Perfect. Unfortunately, I know of no one who has tried the new Google Gulp! yet. The method of obtaining a bottle of Gulp! is along the same lines of getting a Gmail account. “You can pick up your own supply of this “limited release” product simply by turning in a used Gulp Cap at your local grocery store. How to get a Gulp Cap? Well, if you know someone who’s already been ‘gulped,’ they can give you one. And if you don’t know anyone who can give you one, don’t worry ��� that just means you aren’t cool. But very, very (very!) soon, you will be.”
That, in my opinion, is true April Fool’s Day fun. But what do I know? I’m a geek. By the way, I’m of the belief that you can only fake your death once, so I’ll have to think of something a little more clever next year than convincing friends and family that I was devoured by a thresher in Little Five Points.

–Mike

This recent campaign put together by clandestine forces is meant to provoke curiosity and deep intrigue. “OMNIUM FINIS IMMINET” Oooooh, say it again! “OMNIUM FINIS IMMINET!” Scary, ain’t it? The Banapana Man has adopted this thing as a passing fancy, as have I. In this entry, I’m going to attempt to decode the cryptic phrase and it’s origin through the use of ANAGRAMS! Let the chuckles begin. Or not. I have no idea how this is going to turn out.
First Anagram: “FE I MIMI MI I’M NUN SNOT”
Say it ten times fast. The new single from Eminem. The song’s title is “I’m Nun Snot,” the first half is just a vocal warm-up for the shorties.
Second Anagram: “ION MINT MINIFIES MUM”
It’s a new lozenge co-designed by NASA and certified by the Space Foundation. This little ion mint “minifies” or reduces mumming noises. God only knows how that really works, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Third Anagram: “INFINITE MINIMUMS, OM”
Chant this while staring at a sign for Sam’s Club and wholesaler discount nirvana will be yours. Only low, low prices can save your soul from pesky retail re-incarnation.
Fourth Anagram: “I’M TIM IN FEMINISM UNO”
Poor guy. Those ladies are just gonna keep making you grab more cards. You’ll never win, Tim. Give up.
Fifth Anagram: “I’M INFINITE MINUS MOM”
The arcane epitaph on the grave of Dr. Victor Frankenstein. Obsessive bugger, he was.
Chances are, this little promo is way cooler than what it’s promoting. I predict with near 100% confidence that we’ll be sorry we spent so much time trying to figure out what it’s for and where it comes from. I think it would be neat if it was the Pope’s way of giving everybody the finger. It is Latin, after all and it means “The end of all things is upon us.” The Pope thing would be funny. Now that I think about it, it could be Wal-Mart’s really twisted way of letting you know they’re coming to your town soon. –Mike

…And then there are some days on this blog when I don’t even have to think about what to write. Unfortunately those days are increasingly sad, for it often means I’m talking about dead heroes. I’m sure everyone already knows about it, but Hunter S. Thompson died last night from a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the head. It’s right about here that I question my current perception of reality and give a little flick to the temple to make sure I’m not in another of those all-too-real nicotine dreams “the Patch” is so fond of supplying me with.
Nope. It is the sad truth. No more ESPN Page 2 hijinks with the Good Doctor. No more grand sweeping epics on the altered state of the human condition. No more expose̩s on fascinating latent sub-cultural protest and civil disobedience. And it seems so unfair.
For a man like HST, who lived life on his own terms and wouldn’t have it any other way, it almost seems permissible for him to have the keys to his own demise. But no. That’s not the way things are supposed to go. Hunter, you were supposed to stick this bullshit game out to the very end, supplying the masses with commentary that weaved, dodged, parried and often stabbed. It’s a double-whammy, because it’s not just a loss fans are mourning. It’s the cause of the loss that leaves us scratching our heads.
I read his last article with ESPN last Friday night, where he detailed a phone conversation with Bill Murray at three o’ clock in the morning. He was brewing a new idea and sounded rather enthusiastic about it. He and Bill Murray were going to re-invent the game of golf. Golf with shotguns. I won’t go into the specifics. Instead, I humbly suggest you go to ESPN’s Hunter S. Thompson Page 2 Archives and see for yourself. I would have loved to have seen such an event televised. Now I’m afraid the grand sport of Shotgun Golf is in jeopardy of being lost forever.
I could be content with Hunter dying senselessly if it involved bear-wrestling or snake handling. I would prefer to see him go into the Bucket-Kicking Hall of Fame while defending a damsel in distress from a pack of wild dogs. Unfortunately, we have this rather inglorious epilogue. It happens all-too-often in the world of writing. Stop doing this, people. The odds are against you as it is. The universe is a cruel and unforgiving place that will thwack you on the head and kill you the second it gets the chance. It is the cosmic four-year-old, and we are the anthill. This corporeal existence will eventually do you in of its own accord, in the way it sees fit. It needs no help. Enjoy your life and let Mother Nature take care of the cruel eventualities.
For a man who stood in the face of every obstacle in his life and balked, this seems to make no sense. Worst decision you ever made, Dr. Thompson. Thank God the work he leaves us is vast and entertaining, filled to the brim with both fear and loathing. –Mike

About two years ago, UPN in Atlanta had as its station ID slogan “Get Your TV On UPN.” At first, the viewing masses may be led to believe that this is just another innocuous and forgettable slogan such as “Must See TV” or “CBS: Believe It!” But something a little more sinister, akin to consumer pandering was going on. It was made that much more clear when the announcer would put a somewhat urban empasis on the “Get Your TV On” portion. UPN, with all its stat-tracking resources noticed that African-American viewership at the time was one of its core audiences (sorry to all the “Enterprise” geeks out there, your numbers just don’t cut it. That’s why your show’s getting pulled). Still seems harmless? Okay. So let me add to it that the term “Get your ______ on” is woefully dated in urban and African-American circles. Hell, even two or three years before this slogan ever made it to the airwaves, I was using it as a fun and silly way to tell people what I was doing. “Just gettin’ my food on and my drink on.” I don’t consider myself culturally isolated, but by the time such culturally-specific terms get to my whitey-white ears, one can safely say the words are dated.
Maybe the folks at UPN felt justified in using this slogan in 2003 since Missy Elliot’s “Get Ur Freak On” came out just a full year before they adopted the phrase. But in my mind, this is just a sad attempt for a bunch of white suit-types to “identify” with the culture of their audience. This gets under my skin no less than “Watch You Some UPN, Soul Brotha” would. Thank God they at least had the sense to stop mining for cultural vernacular at the turn of the century.
Now Lay’s comes along and decides it’s time to update its slogan from “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One” to something a little newer. Unfortunately their new slogan “Get Your Smile On!” seems about as fresh as a bag of their chips at a gas station in the town of Mile Marker 72, North Dakota. Hyperbole aside, I suggest that if companies want to “identify” with their audiences, they take their research to the streets of 2005, rather than follow in the footsteps of their “Hammer” Superbowol ad. Funny as it was, it was funny because it was sad. –Mike

My last post promised to give you an ad-for-ad commentary on all the Superbowl ads. I only got as far as #50, as I was completely worn-out and it was going on 3:00 AM. Well, here I am again to give you the rest – ads 51 through 58. The humor factor seriously diminished by this point, so if you’re looking for the funny ads, read “Superbowl Advertainment, The First Fifty Ads.”

(The only pharmaceutical ad I saw during the Superbowl was for the erectile dysfunction pill, Cialis. Not funny. NEXT!)

Ad #51
Company: Verizon
Product: Verizon Wireless V-Cast
Gimmick: Video content now deliverable to your phone, celebrities get tiny.
Highlight: Shaq in danger of being squished by a basketball.
Comments: It gets the point across, but that’s about all.

Ad #52
Company: Toyota
Product: Prius Hybrid
Gimmick: “The world’s been moving, it just hasn’t been moving forward.” Shows people walking and driving in place.
Highlight: Jack Russell Terrier walking in place. Almost spooky.
Comments: The whole treadmill-motion effect was very nicely done. Who knew everybody could moonwalk?

Ad #53
Company: Anheuser-Busch YET AGAIN!!!
Product: Budweiser Select
Gimmick: We could have been making a better beer all along… we’ve just waited until now to do it.
Highlight: Nuthin’
Comments: Better Beer Through Chemistry… science!

Ad #54
Company: MasterCard
Product: Debit MasterCard
Gimmick: Put all our favorite food product mascots around a table and show them actually getting along. A very effective way to advertise for a bajillion companies while having MasterCard front the cash for it.
Highlight: Poor Mr. Clean has to do the dishes.
Comments: A good commercial overall. Very nice. Who knew the Vlasic Stork was the life of the party? Groucho Marx should have been a pickle addict instead of a heavy smoker. Who knows? He could still be with us today. Unlikely. He’d be 115 years old. The Stork carries the torch. Filled with pickle vinegar, he’s never gonna die.

Ad #55
Company: Emerald of California
Product: Nuts
Gimmick: A father discourages his little gir from eating his Emerald Nuts by telling her if she does so, unicorns will disappear forever.
Highlight: Other mythical beings appear, including Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny to shame the mean daddy.
Comments: That’s something I’d say to my nephews.

Ad #56
Company: Anheuser-Busch
Product: Budweiser
Gimmick: Cedric declines a beer at a noisy house party because he’s the designated driver. He tries to convey his intentions via hand signals and everybody thinks its a dance. Lemmings.
Highlight: The expression of exasperation on poor Cedric’s face.
Comments: Budweiser, in the course of their ads have shown you that they are funny, thoughful, compassionate, patriotic and that they care about YOU, the customer. Psychology! MORE SCIENCE!!!

Ad #57
Company: Career Builder
Product: Careerbuilder.com
Gimmick: More of the guy who works with monkeys.
Highlight: “I just think it’s a bad idea to name a product “The Titanic.” The boardroom goes ape. The chimpanzee president’s expressions are lovely as another chimp literally kisses his ass.
Comments: There’s been a pretty strong negative reaction to these ads. Some say that they can’t touch Monster’s old ad of Superbowl fame. The ones where kids say “When I grow up…” I beg to differ. The actor in this ad carries off the feeling of helplessness perfectly. More than a few people went to work this morning thinking “I work with a bunch of monkeys, too.” It’s funny, and it works.

Ad #58
Company: Paramount
Product: Sahara
Gimmick: Put Matthew McConaughey in an Indiana Jones-style action film.
Highlight: “We’re going up river to the ship of death!” McConaughey hasn’t had B-Movie dialogue like that since “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation”
Comments: Don’t get worked up. Had nothing to do with “Star Trek: The Next Generation.”
That’s it for the Superbowl ads this year. Altogether, a weak showing. Notably missing: Apple, Geico, Aflac and a bunch of others I’m sure could have produced more memorable spots. Most ads this year from a single company: Anheuser-Busch. Dominant theme this year: Monkeys, or Chimpanzees. Whatever. –Mike

It was a heartbreak of a Superbowl for me this year. So, instead of concentrating on the game itself, I decided to do an ad-for-ad commentary on this year’s advertising entertainment.

Ad #1
Company: Columbia Pictures
Product: Triple X State Of The Union
Gimmick: Replace Vin Diesel with Ice Cube and pretend that the second round of schlock is just as hot as the first should have been, but wasn’t. <–??
Highlight: Finding out that Samuel L. Jackson reprises his old role. His contract must be a mess.
Comments: A classic display of panic re-casting when your trademark actor refuses an obvious action shite-fest.

Ad #2
Company: Verizon Wireless
Product: Verizon Wireless
Gimmick: Chimps with bananas mimicking the “Can you hear me now?” Guy.
Highlight: Actually getting a chimpanzee to accurately mimic the “Can you hear me now?” Guy.
Comments: Makes you realize how easy that guy’s job really is.

Ad #3
Company: Blockbuster
Product: Blockbuster Online
Gimmick: A man tells his wife he’s going to pick up a movie from Blockbuster, drives to his mailbox and grabs an envelope. Drives back to house.
Highlight: Nuthin’
Comments: The only thing this ad does is confirm how lazy most Americans truly are. A little late to compete with the Netflix, dontcha think, guys?

Ad #4
Company: Pizza Hut
Product: Dippin’ Strips
Gimmick: Put Muppets around a pizza; hilarity ensues
Highlight: The two old geezer Muppets commenting “It looks like the pig’s hitting the sauce again!”
Comments: Those damn Muppets have some staying power. Their contract must be a mess.

Ad #5
Company: Nascar
Product: Daytona 500
Gimmick: Nascar racing if it were made into a ride at a Nascar theme park.
Highlight: Nuthin’.
Comments: If Nascar were a ride, don’t get in the #3 car. Sorry.

Ad #6
Company: Ford Motor Company
Product: Mustang Convertible
Gimmick: A police officer pulls to a stop at a crossroads in the middle of a desolate winter wasteland. A Ford Mustang convertible is stopped at the green light. The officer gets out to investigate…
Highlight: …and finds the driver frozen to death behind the wheel with an orgasmic expression of glee on his face!
Comments: The narrator’s commentary “You just don’t introduce a convertible this irresistible in the middle of Winter” makes this otherwise Darwin Award-winning tragedy somewhat funny.

Ad #7
Company: Anheuser Busch
Product: Bud Light
Gimmick: A fraidy-cat skydiver refuses to jump. The instructor tosses out a six pack of Bud Light and says “Not even for a six pack of Bud Light!?”
Highlight: The pilot jumps out without a parachute for the budget Ambrosia of the gods.
Comments: The skydiver is screwed.

(The next ad was for contacts. There’s nothing funny about contacts. SKIP!)

Ad #8
Company: Warner Brothers
Product: Constantine
Gimmick: Put Keanau Reeves in a comic-book movie about a savior caught between worlds.
Highlight: When Neo, er, Constantine says “you do this, there’s no turning back.”
Comments: He’s the same guy! The same damn guy!!!

Ad #9
Company: Pepsi
Product: Diet Pepsi
Gimmick: P Diddy hitches a ride to an awards ceremony in a Diet Pepsi truck, starting a new trend in ManVan-ery.
Highlight: The jacked-up Diet Pepsi truck, maybe.
Comments: Don’t encourage them. Don’t.

Ad #10
Company: Bubblicious
Product: Bubble Gum
Gimmick: Flavor a bubble gum and name it after an NBA star.
Highlight: Nuthin’.
Comments: Here’s to hoping that the new LeBron <–? flavor doesn’t taste like him.

Ad #11
Company: Olympus
Product: m: robe camera/music player
Gimmick: Watch people dance unnaturally and take snapshots of their freakish display of double-jointedness.
Highlight: Nuthin’.
Comments: Huh. A camera and a music player. What next? A toaster oven/DVD player? I want one thing that’s good at what it does. My camera need not serenade me.

Ad #12
Company: Walt Disney Pictures
Product: The Pacifier
Gimmick: Put hard-core action star Vin Diesel in a kid’s movie. Everybody will love it!
Highlight: A little kid stumbles out of the carpool van after a screeching halt screaming “LAND!!!”
Comments: XXX goes on domestic duty. This is the script he chose rather than taking on Triple X: State of the Union. Tells you something.

Ad #13
Company: FedEx Kinkos
Product: FedEx Kinkos
Gimmick: Bear and Burt Reynolds dancing, with Burt ending up getting kicked in the balls.
Highlight: Burt Reynolds getting kicked in the balls by a bear.
Comments: An ad that makes fun of the medium. Accurate, and damn that Burt can dance.

Ad #14
Company: Anheuser-Busch
Product: Bud Light
Gimmick: Show two guys sitting at a bar, talking about fantasies. One of the guys says his fantasy is to be stuck on a desert isle with Bud Light and two beautiful ladies.
Highlight: Cut to the fantasy, and both ladies start henpecking our daydreaming friend to do chores like hut-building and raft-making.
Comments: Anhauser-Bush has this advertising thing down to a science. If you don’t laugh, you at least get a good “hhmph!” out of it.

Ad #15
Company: Volvo
Product: Volvo XC90 V8
Gimmick: Compare a Volvo to a Saturn V rocket.
Highlight: Let Richard Branson tempt you with a chance to win a flight into space aboard Virgin Galactic.
Comments: And I thought this car could take me to the moon.

Ad #16
Company: Pepsi
Product: Diet Pepsi
Gimmick: Pitch your product as one that makes a guy incredibly sexy, even to other guys.
Highlight: Bee-Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”
Comments: Coke did this years ago.

Ad #17
Company: Godaddy.com
Product: Godaddy.com
Gimmick: Have busty Nikki Cappelli wear a tank top with the company logo emblazoned upon it.
Highlight: Wardrobe malfunction.
Comments: Old man with emergency respirator. He uses that to fight back the emphysema. What’s worse, he probably still smokes. Get thetruth.com kids on that geezer’s ass.

Ad #18
Company: Anheuser-Busch
Product: Bud Light, again
Gimmick: Man steals girlfriend after passing off tickets to the Big Game.
Highlight: “Sharon?” “Yeah, she’s sharin’, allright”
Comments: Just keep drinking, buddy. The alcohol will dry those tears.

Ad #19
Company: Columbia Pictures/MTV Films
Product: The Longest Yard
Gimmick: A prison football film with Adam Sandler and Chris Rock.
Highlight: “You can duuuu it!!!” Rob’s now-famous cameo.
Comments: I think it’s a comedy. Still, prison ain’t funny.

Ad #20
Company: McDonald’s
Product: Gross Food
Gimmick: Go to McDonald’s in the hopes that you get a non-biodegradable fry shaped like Abraham Lincoln so you can sell it for a mountain of cash in an online auction.
Highlight: One of the first displays of McDonald’s truthfully advertising its products as something other than food.
Comments: I’m still not “lovin’ it.” I just saw “Super Size Me” yesterday. Plus the new Mark Knopfler song makes me hate Ray Kroc even more than I used to. Never been fond of clowns, either.

Ad #21
Company: Visa
Product: Visa Check Card
Gimmick: Marvel heroes respond to the screams of a woman in distress. When she says her Check Card has been stolen, they get annoyed and walk off at the false alarm.
Highlight: The late appearance of Underdog.
Comments: At least it’s not that God-forsaken and overplayed Yankees/Steinbrenner ad.

Ad #22
Company: Ameriquest
Product: Mortgages! Fun!!
Gimmick: A man having an innocent phone conversation tells his mother she’s getting robbed in a business deal. The clerk in the convenience store overhears it and pepper-sprays the fool.
Highlight: Old lady with a cattle prod.
Comments: “Don’t judge too quickly.” A nice ad. Someone at Ameriquest grew some balls.

Ad #23
Company: Quizno’s
Product: Sub sandwiches
Gimmick: Talking baby. Ugh.
Highlight: Talking baby. Ugh.
Comments: The talking baby show was cancelled a few years back. I hope he gets eaten by the pets.com sock-puppet dog, similarly resurrected for cheap car financing. “WE LOVE THE SUBS!” Those little monsters had more dignity than this.

Ad #24
Company: Columbia Pictures
Product: Hitch
Gimmick: Will Smith plays a ladies’ man giving pointers to hopeless losers.
Highlight: Will Smith slapping an annoying fat white guy.
Comments: I hope Michael Moore is next in line, Will.

(continue reading…)

So I was scanning the news sources this morning, and I came across something on the Drudge Report (don’t ask, I just go there… I CAN’T stop) that made my skin crawl. The headline was ominous: “POPE’S REVERENCE FOR SANCTITY OF LIFE MAKES RETIREMENT UNLIKELY…” Just what the hell does *that* mean?? I know that Popes can step down, but who does? Is there any recent record of a Pope just kicking back, drawing a pension and passing the torch onto the Junior Vice Pope? These are things I do not know, I’m not Catholic. But I certainly don’t think that the Dalai Lama is watching the clock, eagerly anticipating a posh retirement in Carmel or West Palm. Spiritual leaders, as symbolic figureheads for their religions, should stick it out to the end. If in fact this headline is not talking about “retirement” in the classical sense, then what the hell else could it mean? I don’t think euthanasia – a-la “Jack Kevorkain’s Automatic-Drip Machine of Death” – is an option.
Then I read the article and was alarmed that certain powers-that-be within the church are afraid that the Pope gives a bad image to the Catholic church. Many don’t want the church to be associated with a symbol that conveys old age and decline. So what? You gonna run out and get a young, vigorous Pope, hoping that the scrappy youngster will brand your religion in a more positive, youthful light? Again, I’m not Catholic, but I have to side with the current Pope on this one. Let the man keep his position ’til he’s gone from this world. That’s the way it should be. Better that than getting Tony Little up there doing the Sunday address from his Gazelle exerciser. As seen on TV! I think the current Pope lends some quiet dignity to the Catholic church, especially in a world with networks like TBN, whose various ministers are all but completely obsessed with branding, youth pursuit and mountains of cash.
And now on to the Super Bowl. New England is favored by seven points this time around. I don’t have anything personal against New England. I’m just an underdog guy. Hell, my Falcons didn’t quite do it this year, so the Eagles sure as hell better make a good showing, if not win. Superbowl blowouts happen, of this I am aware. But I’m firmly behind my good friend Glenn on this one. We saw Boston take the World Series and it would be nice to see Philadelphia get a moment in the spotlight this year, as well. Whatever the outcome, I guess I won’t vapor lock and have a heart attack so long as McCartney doesn’t demurely flash his flabby man-boob to the masses. If he does, let’s hope his choice of nipple-adornment is in better taste than Janet’s. –Mike