spacematic.net

Jarred, I fail to cognify the ludicrosity of your speechal individualisms.
For those of you who haven’t seen my message board, go there as soon as you are through reading this blog entry. Hint: right sidebar of this webpage, up near the top, sez “message board” – can’t miss it. If you go there, you will find that there is an ongoing thread called “Crazy Translations.” Many people have taken a stab at the challenge to create the silliest translations of pop songs, almost as if it were a competition. Believe me, the competition is all in yer head. I just keep it up for laughs.
Jarred’s latest tune gives itself away in the chorus, but it’s a damn silly read all the same. Poor Jarred, stuck in the 80’s, unable to escape its soothing solid-state distortion, gratuitous keyboard solos and that oh so heavenly, infinite reverb.
I challenge you to do as Jarhead has done before you! Take your favorite era of music and massacre it on my message board for all to see! Then tell your friends!
Before I started in with this silly translation business, I used to enjoy replacing certain lyrics with “squirrel” where it seemed to fit. Examples are below:
Richard Marx: “She’s a sexy girl” to “She’s a sexy squirrel.” Gross.
Bell Biv Devoe: “That girl is poiiisooon” to “That squirrel ate poiiisooon!” Changing other words for context!
Alanis Morissette: “Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm” to the classic “Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirrel.” Indeed, it must be.
Hell, who am I kidding? I still do this stuff all the time. Musicians are weird people. Steve Hardy ruined one of my own songs IN THE MIDST OF TRACKING IT by singing the “Charles In Charge” theme song over it whenever he played it back. It killed me. It left a black stain on my heart and my feelings have been forever hurt. So I got him back. He had a lyric that was begging to be mugged, pistol-whipped and left for dead on the side of the road. It went like this: “My truth is not an angle, my love is not abuse.” NOW it goes: “My truth is not an angle, my love is not OBTUSE!” HA HA! Stew in that!
Seriously, go see the message board. Read the rules, choose whether to obey them and face the consequences of participation in polite Internet society. See you there! –Mike

Every so often, MTV does something it thinks classic, innovative or hip, only to have it backfire and flame up in its face. If the pop-cultural stalwart had its way, we’d all think MTV is the cutting edge, heart and soul and very pulse of young America. But reality ultimately has its say, and time after time, reality exposes MTV for what it really is: an organization of detached suits and arrogant hipsters tracking data and sucking up easy dollars through advertisers who are guaranteed the thirty-minute attention spans of average middle-class white teenagers. I lost interest in MTV shorty after “Remote Control” aired in the late 80’s. It was a sign of darker things to come.
So the Kerry daughters have a walk-on spot at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. Interesting. The young, moderate-to-liberal crowd should have a heyday cheering the progeny of their choice for Commander In Chief. Right? Kids are politically charged and love seeing campaign tactics in the midst of entertainment, right?
Apparently, wrong. Instead of the guaranteed cheers to be expected from the greasy young throng of years past, the poor ladies were booed miserably. I’m not a fan of booing. I think it’s mean, and if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all. For me, boos are only to be issued in extreme circumstances. But people of the VMA crowd wanted to be heard, and boy were they. Now, is it likely that the crowd in attendance was conservative and rabidly pro-Bush? Yeah, right. I think this is an indicator of something else. I think Jenna and Barbara would have gotten the exact same reception. ****CORRECTION/ADDITION!!!! SO I WASN’T THERE, AND I DIDN’T WATCH THE STUPID VMA’S ON MY LEAST FAVORITE NETWORK. HERE’S THE DEAL. BOTH SETS OF DAUGHTERS WERE PRESENT FOR THE BOO-IN’ RUCKUS. THE KERRY DAUGHTERS WERE LIVE, THE BUSHIES WERE VIA BIG-SCREEN, PRERECORDED, I THINK.**** This is a not-so-subtle expression of young people’s dissatisfaction with politics in their music. The two used to be like peanut butter and chocolate. From the Sixties through the Nineties, politically-charged rock waxed and waned, coming to the forefront with bands like U2 and Rage Against the Machine. MTV’s alignment with Dems has existed because they bank on the party to be the choice of young people, promising change, promising a new world – all the stuff kids want. But the Democratic party, much like its alternative is ancient, inflexible and overdue for replacement. The youth of today see both Democrats and Republicans as adherents to institutions of antiquity, hold-overs of times and policies they had no part in and of which they have no interest. Maybe the era of pundit-rock is over and now people simply want entertainment… or anarchy.
A growing trend among high-school youth these days is an attraction to anything “anti,” especially anti-government. The trend is a response to burnout, plain and simple. The geezers at MTV need to take this cold response to their distinguished guests as though it were a swift kick in the balls. Take notice. You’ve lost touch, and kids will get their jollies some other way. Much like the political parties it endorses or derides, the network has lost touch with the people. Oh, and do I hear a familiar tune? Yes, I do… but the words are different. “Internet killed the video star,” I think it goes. A bitter pill to swallow, MTV. I hope you choke, lose audience and get sucked back up into the Viacom monstrosity, black-hole style. –Mike

Rick James died yesterday at the all-too-unnecessary age of 56 at his home. One can only speculate what will be found as the cause of death, if it is ever divulged. Hopefully, for Dave Chappelle, this will mark a turning point in his career, freeing him from the shackles of the “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” mantra repeated all over the country at his standup shows as he tries to deliver his unique brand of comedy. Chappelle has grown weary of the fans’ constant bleating of the phrase, telling audiences they’re “stupid” for being so fanatical. Fanatical to the point that he cannot deliver any other jokes in public. With all that in mind, I hope James’ death imbues proper respect in the fans to stop shouting it. Don’t get me wrong… it was funny as hell the first two hundred thousand times I heard it, but as with all things, there’s a point when overkill turns to torture.
IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS STORY — Investor confidence shrank yesterday as new Federal job statistics were released, falling dreadfully short of what was projected as robust and almost too-good-to-be-true growth. People ask me why I don’t work regular jobs right now. It’s because there’s nothing out there. Some say it hurts my overall career record. Simply put, there are very few good jobs right now. And I refuse to become a salesman. I’ve tried that road. I love people, I love making presentations and I like giving people value through hard work. The classic, seersucker-suited widget hawker cannot pay heed to such trivialities… they’re too busy in the numbers game. Sorry folks, I’m waiting until I can re-enter the job market with some dignity. Don’t worry about me, I’m not a welfare case and I’m not hitting my friends and family up for money. I do quite well these days as I am. I have just enough in reserve to be picky and demanding. What’s wrong with that? All that means is that I’m less desperate than the next guy. If desperation is the marker for social acceptance in this country, then we have lost our bearings and deserve to fall apart at the red, white and blue seams. It’s all part of the same ethic for me… to hell with the Joneses. –Mike

Perhaps that’s an understatement. Dust really pisses me off. Over the past week, I got tired of living in a pigsty. How did it get this way? I think it has something to do with me moving every year since 2000. I just got tired of setting up shop, only to take it down twelve short months later. Also, I’ve had this ultra-transient mindset… feeling like a nomad in every area of my life, committing to nothing, shying away from opportunity and taking for granted what I have. Shame, really. But sometimes we get into these funks. Funks that can become quite comfortable. Funky I was, and my surroundings echoed that funk.
So I got to cleaning, arranging and throwing away anything that didn’t fit neatly and cleanly into my “new” place. Then it came time to DUST. It was thick, it was filthy and it was everywhere. I fear opening the case of my trusty Mac, for I’m sure to find that dustbunnies got trapped inside, got bored and mated furiously to bide their time. A horde of spontaneously reproducing dust vermin will spring out, and once loosed, will never give me rest. I am certain of this. Man do I hate that dust! I’m afraid to vacuum the interior of the case on the chance that a static charge will develop and curse my machinery with bad behavior and unrecoverable, digital amnesia. Then again, I do pop RAM into the thing without much thought. Pop it in there like a kid tosses lunch into a locker. I’ll chance it. I just won’t use that crazy brush tool.
Do those “air ionizer” things really work? Is this technology truly the dust-flypaper it promises to be?
Man am I petty. –Mike

I loved Florida when I lived there. I’m a beach bum at heart. The one drawback to living in a coastal paradise is that occasionally hell pops in for a visit. Charley was a brutish reminder that nothing man builds, despite hubris and pride, can stand up to nature’s fury. I feel sorry for the people who lost loved ones in the chaos of Florida’s latest disaster. However, a heavy burden of risk is assumed by those who live on the Gulf coast, and the rest of the Florida peninsula, for that matter.
A small part of me wants to apologize and make a retraction for belittling the severity and news-worthiness of killer storms in a previous entry. But I hold my ground on my media fixation argument. The national news *does* play “wrath of nature” stories into the ground, gloating in momentary ratings spikes and trying to extend coverage far beyond tasteful boundaries. The overkill is tantamount to intrusion. Why can’t we simply let these people alone to mourn and rebuild. For some, the blow Charley struck equalled the worst day of their lives. They deserve to quietly regroup and share their loss with the community. They deserve to go on with dignity. Enough of the media sideshow.
Storm aftermath stories invariably ask the question “why?” Why did the storm so quickly escalate to a category four hurricane? Why did it zig when it should have zagged? There are always research elites on hand to answer the questions and my heart sinks whenever I hear the term Global Warming. This off-again/on-again argument is quite old and over the years, it has become politicized to a ridiculous extent. The implication is that the Earth’s climate is changing because of civilization’s production of chemical pollutants. I’m first to agree that by-product gases aren’t good for anyone, and anything we can do to rid ourselves of needless pollution puts us ahead. Not only is an environmentally harmonious civilization desirable, it is critical to our continuation on the planet.
I disagree with the fear-mongering tactics of many politicians and environmentalists who claim that their plans require overnight action because of “indicators.” There is no doubt that the Earth is getting warmer. That’s a fact. But here’s another fact that you don’t hear in the news: the Earth is getting warmer because the sun is burning hotter than usual. Articles as far back as 1997 in prominent scientific journals state this, but politicos don’t give a whit about it. Why not? Because there’s nothing a single man, woman or child on this small ball of rock can do about the temperature of the sun. You can’t legislate based on Solar warming. You can only make people react to something when you blame them. When something’s your fault, you must make changes to mollify the havoc wrought through errant behavior. Such things are rapidly and rabidly legislated.
Let’s get to brass tacks here – our knowledge of the world around us does make us more informed than we have ever been. But let’s not swing to another smug extreme by claiming we are all-knowing in matters of nature, let alone our impact on it. Our meteorological sciences and weather records are infant compared to the scale needed to prove or disprove our theories on global warming.
The sun’s warming may be part of a trend in the solar life cycle. But its impact on us can be strong. Planet Earth is a delicate environment, and it is the only place in our solar system that we know of capable of sustaining life. This world is in a narrow zone where things aren’t too hot or too cool. So far, they’ve been just right. To that extent, I agree we should do everything in our power not to aggravate the effects of environmental changes beyond our control.
My pondering here ends with the conclusion that global warming is not yet able to be established as fact. But we must find alternatives to airborne pollutants, for more immediate concerns if not long-range. Political reasons abound for our need to divorce ourselves from our insatiable appetite for oil consumption. Let’s keep the arguments for environmental improvement in the here and now, not the ephemeral domain of unproven theory. The masses are far more likely to respond to something with realtime effect on day-to-day living. We might not be able to do anything about that big yellow ball, but hydrocarbons and particulate airborne emmissions causing cancer will scare the hell out of just about everybody. Except Los Angeles. –Mike

—WARNING— !THIS POST PAYS NO ATTENTION TO COHERENT POINT DEVELOPMENT. IT JUST IS. I’M ANGRY AND MEAN-SPIRITED, SO JUST ROLL WITH IT!
At first, I thought I was going to post something light, silly and inconsequential. Instead, all these thoughts came pouring into my head. All my tracked stocks went into the toilet. I grazed the headlines to see what the emergency was. Al Qaeda’s planning a “major assassination.” Lovely. To the Jon Stewart acolyte-lazies, this may just be more of the same, but for those of us who treat the news as more than a joke and realize that Jon Stewart is entertainment and not in-depth and newsworthy commentary, this is a major deal. It also sucks. Sucks big time.
Look, I’ve got nothing against Stewart. I think he’s damn good at what he does, and I always find something to laugh about on The Daily Show, but I’m becoming increasingly irritated by acquaintances who claim that the only reason they know what’s going on in the world is because of Stewart’s show.
If you want to be more than a passive ignoramus in this world, read. Read the damn news. Watch multiple sources. Listen to what’s going on, and whenever possible, watch non-partisan coverage of EVERYTHING you can. When you’ve done all that, then you deserve to watch The Daily Show. Hell, you may even start laughing at the stuff that’s been perpetually sailing over your head. I’m upset.
I’m upset because one too many people said that they didn’t watch the DNC coverage a couple weeks ago. I know that the majority of my friends are vocally conservative, and that’s fine. I’m a little more issue-for-issue in my political views, so I don’t align in camps, especially given these increasingly leftist/rightist extremes that claim to be the “heart and soul of America.” Truth be told, I don’t believe many politicians remember they have a heart and most certainly don’t know what a “soul” is. I don’t trust any of them. That’s why it’s all the more important for me to see what’s going on in the political process. My November vote isn’t a chore and it’s nobody’s ace-in-the-hole.
For self-described conservatives to pay no heed to their opposition is appalling and denotes apathy. Worse, it connotes a smug omniscience that is not only self-deluding but also dangerously and transparently myopic.
The right to vote is given on the condition that people inform themselves and make conscious decisions based on as much factual information they can gain. Voting is not a fad or a personal statement. It is a solemn practice that ensures just people are placed in positions of power and tyrants are held at bay. Viewing five campaign ads and watching one news source leaves one open to poor decision-making. Remember that the freedom of the press exists because people of a free nation require sound and solid information to manage leadership. That’s also why there are terms for our officials. Amazing how much those Founder-people thought ahead, ain’t it?
Now for funny. And marginally dangerous. Sun Myung Moon, as reported on by Gorenfeld (check the “Where I’ve Been” column in the right sidebar of this page and click on “Where In Washington D.C. is Sun Myung Moon?”), and cut and paste this: http://www.tparents.org/Moon-Talks/sunmyungmoon01/UM010622.htm for Moon’s talk about liberating hell, founding a headquarters for the Cosmic Federation, the importation of icebergs and residential submarines – among other things. This is an old article, but since his meteoric rise to True Parent and Messiah (WTF?!?!), this stuff’s topical yet again. Yet another reason to read as much news as you can… even Jon Stewart and his staff can’t make stuff like this up. –Mike

Good morning, everybody. I’ve got a new concern. Variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, otherwise known as Human Mad Cow Disease. Mad Cow has been in the news for years, but a little-publicized article, mentioned in the mainstream as a mere cough-through report over ten seconds, gives the population new reason to be wary. Doctors, pathologists and other researchers have admitted that they know little to nothing about vCJD and its incubation habits. Experts in the field of this emerging threat claim that humans may not be symptomatic for decades. This means that there could be a vCJD epidemic in the population we won’t know about for years, and it will only come to light when people start losing their minds and tipping over.
The mechanics of vCJD and BSE (Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy) are frightening. Unlike diseases we’re familiar with, the disease is not a foul little bacteria or virus. Instead, it’s a humble protein. More specifically, it’s what is known as a prion, which is not alive and thus cannot be killed through sterilization, heat or cold. These prions weasel their way into our very DNA and corrupt the code, resulting in a cascading failure of genetic integrity. The disease can affect any number of organs, but most specifically and most debilitating, it attacks the brain by infecting healthy tissue and causing it to deposit a plaque-like substance. Effectively, vCJD re-writes your genetic code in a fashion that is inconsistent with the continuation of life.
What’s the best way to avoid vCJD? That’s a problem. If you eat beef, you may already have it. This has led me to re-think my bovinivore-centric eating habits. From here on out, I’m going to avoid beef as much as I possibly can. The BSE prion is spread on production farms by feeding cattle parts of other cattle, a practice that has been banned by government agencies around the world since 1997. Nonetheless, as a lay person, to hear the experts claim despairingly little knowledge about the disease, there’s no telling how else it may spread. Mad Cow. It’s our own damn fault. –Mike

ORLANDO – A British man can rest a little easier today, after he was found not guilty of the lewd and lascivious molestation of a Walt Disney World park patron. Michael Chartrand said afterward that he would like to have a job again at Disney, but that his dream of being a character has now been shattered and that future occupation with the Rat and The Dead Man would have to be in some other capacity.
The court’s decision came after witnessing a slew of exonerating evidence, including dozens of photographs of Tigger fursuit anatomy and a disembodied Tigger head, held aloft for the jury to view in full. Another interesting tidbit: Chartrand’s attorney had a unique qualification for defending him, he also moonlights as Tigger and various other characters at the park. In order to display the lack of dexterity a fully-costumed character has, the attorney donned the Tigger skin. Given the nature of both his occupations, you know this man once had a weird dream about showing up to court, not in a suit, but in Tigger garb. There aren’t many things that will make my niece cry, but a giant Tigger removing its head to reveal a lawyer underneath just might do the trick. Details abounded about the inability of a Tigger to know where its paws are, given the cumbersome nature of the costume.
The girl’s mother admitted that she planned to file a suit against Disney, of course. She also claimed that her daughter has suffered emotional humiliation and never wants to go to Disney or see another picture of Tigger again. All this sillyness smacks of law in Alabama, where frivolous suits abound and awards are ridiculously over the norm. Imagine what precautions Disney and other theme parks would have to employ if this lawsuit were to go to court and the girl and her mother were awarded damages. Fursuits would have to be hosed down with anaphrodesiacs, eunuchs would have to be groomed for a lifetime of anonymity behind masks… ultimately, unions would be formed and the United Fursuit Character’s Local #421 would demand special tax status and marriage rights. The world would go to hell in a handbasket.
I have a fuzzy memory of when I was twelve years old, in the Hall of Presidents, an Animatronic Jimmy Carter leered at me suspiciously. I wonder if I have a case?
Done for now! –mike

Boy, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the office complaining about the junk news that comes around on soft days, when the media outlets can’t get their grip on what’s truly important in the world and decide to battle for ratings with whatever they can using nifty items such as society’s decline toward moral bankruptcy, crazy weather and shark attacks – and occasional celebrity skin.
“Guess there’s no such thing as a Middle East,” I told my co-worker Will. I’m not claiming to be prophetic, or even remarkably on top of the world’s terror network, but wouldn’t ya know it… the next day airplanes came zooming out of the sky into our offices and public buildings.
As of 10:00 A.M. September 11, 2001, there were no more Shark Attacks or Crazy Weather in the news. So I ponder what the best indicator of another terrorist attack truly is. Is the best indicator hard intelligence intercepted by the enemy, or is it the resumption of Shark Attacks and Crazy Weather? I’m gonna go with the (I’ll acronym it now for the sake of easy reading) SACW. The reason I do this is because terrorists like to take us out when we have our guard down. When news gets soft, the bad guy strikes. So media outlets and web sources… don’t go too soft. Keep a good ten minutes of the viewer’s time on the Fundamentalist Menace at home and abroad.
I won’t deny the pain someone feels when they lose a love one in a bout of bad weather or fire, Nor will I try to diminish the separation anxiety of a man or woman when a shark comes between them and their favorite body parts and organs. But let’s keep news on what’s important to MOST of us. We know sharks bite people and weather smites us… weather should be a regional thing, not a national news item. Do this, people. Do this for the sake of liberty. Say no to SACW, because Osama watches the news, too. –Mike

Color-coded threat indicators in the ticker bar of your favorite news channel scroll the orange flavor today. “Isn’t that usually yellow?” Yep. Usually. But now our leaders and intelligence officials say there’s a new credible threat of an attack on the United States, specifically, our financial institutions. This is why I’ve played gingerly in the stock market over the past couple years. The Dow is still just a shade over 10,000, and I’ll be interested in seeing where it goes as the Exchange opens up for business this morning. People tend to behave strangely when their government tells them death may be only a hair’s breadth away. My NY/NJ friends have to be wondering how this may interfere with their commute today.

Is this all-new threat of terror poor George’s fault? Nope. Welcome to life in the most conspicuous nation on Earth. I refrain from saying most powerful, as our power is stretched out right now. I know, I know — we have great technological might and we fight smart, but we need to think about upping the numbers of standing military personnel if we’re going to reclaim our status as the most POWERFUL nation for in military terms. Economically, we’ve been quite a powerhouse, but even that is waning a little.

Don’t worry, I’m not turning spacematic.net into either some partisan apology for (or attack on) President Bush. He’s done a few things to raise my ire, of course. But this is a rant on fear, and Americans’ apparent inability to deal with it. Here’s the deal… we are the spoiled children of the world who have enjoyed the cozy notion that foreign perpetrators cannot harm us from within our borders. Now we spoiled children are crying that another sweet and precious myth has been dispelled. No Easter Bunny, No Tooth Fairy, No Santa and NO guarantee of safety. How sad. Back in the good old days, we only suffered good old American-on-American violence. Now people who don’t share our citizenship and love of freedom can poke holes in us and make us die unpleasantly just as easily as the lovable town murderer. We need to learn a lesson from this. We must wake up from the fairy tale. We live in a dangerous world. We have always been in danger and we always will be in danger. There is nothing special about us that makes us incapable of receiving mortal harm from others. This will remain a fact of life regardless of leadership. The only thing that can be done now is to deter crafty foreign murderers from planning an encore of the WTC/Pentagon show.

No matter how opposed you may be to violence, war, death and destruction, there will always be somone out there who thinks it’s a pretty good idea. Saying “STOP THE VIOLENCE” is unfortunately about as effective as saying “STOP THE GRAVITY.” You may want it, but you can’t have it. And don’t let anyone promise you they can effectively put an end to planetary chaos. This isn’t doom-saying, it’s just point-blank fact. If someone wishes to end violence, it usually involves a larger measure of violence. The John Lennon “Imagine” utopia will occur only when pork sprouts wings and wanders into the wild blue.

I’m wearing the mean uncle hat today, I know. But I have to try and analyze things as they are. The world is violent. It always has been. It always will be. No one can stop it. Pacifism only makes you easier prey. How sad. –Mike