Olympics, Schmalympics!
by Mike on Apr.01, 2006, under Humor
As is often the case in the realm of sports, victory proves bittersweet once again. Veteran Tetherball great Jeffe deEstado was disqualified in the fifth round of the Suicide Finals, just one step away from his first-ever TetherBowl appearance. But according to fans, “El Jeffe” wasn’t ousted by any fault of his own. An angry crowd of fans protested loudly at the Chevrolet Suburban Driveway Arena on February 23rd as officials called El Jeffe out after the entire anchoring apparatus spontaneously failed.
“El Jeffe had Habersham fair and square.” commented Ellison McManus, an enraged spectator. “Then he pulled out his signature “˜Thunder Wumpus 720,’ and the whole thing just shattered! At first, we were all like “˜Damn! Jeffe gave you the Wumpus, Habersham! Go back to Talmo!’ But then the officials declared that no-talent putz winner by default. That’s just bull$#!%, man.”
The “Thunder Wumpus 720º has been a hotly-debated move in professional Tetherball ever since deEstado debuted the maneuver in 1998, defeating three-time TetherBowl champion Martin Clearwater in the Vancouver Semi-Finals. In that classic match, deEstado cocked his fist in anticipation of the ball’s advance and then punched it squarely in the air-hole. The resultant explosion of the ball, in combination with the player’s brute kinetic force, caused the rope to wind around the post rapidly, with the ball ultimately stopping for a win.
deEstado has only been able to replicate the “Wumpus” during two other matches – once to defeat Arthur Hutchinson in the 2002 Jacksonville Classic, and once more in yesterday’s match against Habersham.
But it wasn’t the “Wumpus” alone that caused the hotly-contested disqualification. An unforeseen structural failure of the tether mount as a result of the “Wumpus” move was the culprit. When questioned on the game call, official Bob Pettinaugh had this to say: “deEstado has always wondered why we watch the Wumpus carefully, and now he knows. We had no choice but to call it as we saw it when the post anchor broke.”
According to the International Tetherball Association’s Guidelines, Rules and Sportsmanship Handbook, any player “that willfully destroys an anchor, post or tether must be disqualified on the charge of subterfuge.” Subterfuge, in the sport of Tetherball, is defined as any activity by a player that prevents either side from successfully scoring.
At a press conference this morning, Pettinaugh continued to defend his judgment and added “The ball never actually hit the post. The sequence of events was clear. deEstado Wumpused the living hell out of that ball, and he knew what the consequences could be. I’m sure this will make any Tetherball athletes in our Association think twice before emulating the dastardly tactics of El Jeffe.”
Although his fans have been vocally abrasive about the turn of events, deEstado seemed to take the loss in stride. When asked about it in a post-game interview, El Jeffe simply said, “Sometime you give the Wumpus, and sometime the Wumpus gets you. That’s just the Wumpus way.”
Willie Habersham of Talmo, Alabama now advances to TetherBowl XXXVII, where he faces Izquierda Enrique Quantum of Cobb Parkway. Quantum is favored by a variable but wide margin. The TetherBowl will not be televised. –mike
