Note: This entry is a primer on gnome origins, their relationship to the world above, their history, and the events leading to the first-ever gnome march way back in fictional antiquity. Part II of this essay will cover gnome life and protest in modern times. Stay tuned!

Having recently moved from Atlanta, I was unable to participate in this year’s Inman Park Festival Parade Gnome March. If you’re unfamiliar with the tradition, imagine this: people from all walks of life congregate in gnome garb and make signs in support, in protest, or in celebration of any pressing gnome issues and/or causes. Rain or shine, the march freely encourages all involved to temporarily cut loose, forget about the donkey work of day-to-day living, and experience a sense of solidarity by engaging in the type of fun only the best absurdist traditions can provide. I always look forward to “gnoming it up” and walking the parade route with my friends each April, so I’m a little bummed out that I missed it this time around.

Well-acquainted with self pity, but too uncomfortable to wallow in it, I opted to get my fix in a more subdued fashion by writing an essay on the history of gnomes and their marches. The resulting piece is full of crackpot nonsense and outright fabrications, and it’s an excellent opportunity for you and I to spend valuable time doing something other than working or learning useful skills. Ready? Good!

Gnome Origins and Persistence

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First named in the west by Paracelcus, the gnome is one of four liminal entities, each stationed to a classical element: Earth, Fire, Water, and Air. Gnomes belong to Earth, while Salamanders command fire, Undines are water beings, and Sylphs maintain air superiority.

These four entities are masters of their respective realms. As such, gnomes can swiftly traverse earth and solid rock by a mysterious mode of excavation often attributed to magic, though when confronted by humans on the topic, they reliably scoff or coyly utter some variation of this old gnome proverb: “Alrech télya, sparglibüm ahndweve nodda téngh buda lōda hōkum.” Approximately translated, it carries the sentiment: “I say that magical trickery is illusion and artifice, nothing more.”

The philosophy at the heart of this platitude is very much at odds with other feats of gnomic renown, as they are also suspected of being natural shapeshifters, controlling their appearance and size at will. Though usually content adhering to their familiar diminutive form, gnomes can masquerade as nearly anything, living or inert. What’s more, they possess a limited talent for alchemy and are able to effortlessly transmute earth, stone, and metal ores into refined and finished tools and stunning works of art.

Dismissed by most humans as simple whimsical creatures of western folklore, gnomes have both literally and figuratively thrived underground, often going completely unnoticed by a bustling modern humanity. This is not to say they are a quiet people. Quite the contrary, they do have opinions on the state of world affairs, and when motivated to congregate, they do so with great alacrity, showing themselves in force when united behind a cause. Once confident they have made their viewpoints clear and their grievances enumerated and laid bare in a public forum, they disperse as quickly as they appear.

These sporadic incursions, though titillating, deprive us of an opportunity to become familiar with gnome culture, history, philosophy, and science. There are some who believe gnomes live among us in secret, taking our form for extended periods to quietly gather intelligence on everything from international politics to their neighbors’ lawn care habits. Whether this is true is a matter of frequent debate among paranoiacs and conspiracy theorists.

Despite their multi-dimensional omnipresence, gnomes remain at the fringes – no closer than the corner of your eye. But make no mistake, they are all around you, and their ability to hide in plain sight would be terrifying had they not been doing so throughout our history… all the while keeping the saga of their own people obscured.

Early Gnome History

The closest we can get to a true account of gnome history is through their own lore. In Renton’s Collected Stories of Eurasian Smallfolk, the author claims to have extensive conversations with a gnome named Cognall Grombel, who presents himself as an unofficial liaison offering an account of his people’s story – and a cautionary tale. Allowing the gnome to speak freely and uninterrupted, Renton recorded the following:

“…The oldest among us say we were born from the earth or alongside it, or maybe pressed into it, to be mixed within like nuts baked into bread. No one’s sure exactly how we came to be, but all gnomes do refer to the earth as Mother, regardless of which origin tale they hold to.

“As we awakened deep beneath the surface, we thought ourselves to be the sole living creatures of the earth. Having only one another’s company, we spent countless years in the subterranean realm we call Tunellond. We invented language and writing to communicate, we cultivated arts to entertain ourselves, and we engaged in industry to make our lives easier with mechanical marvels. Eventually, our curiosity guided us to expansion, and that would ultimately lead to… goblins.

“‘Gnomes came first, goblins next.’ That’s the opening lyric to the ‘Legend of the Gnomess Goblynne,’ who awakened long after all other gnomes had found their feet. When she first appeared, the gnomes were in shock, finding her to be quite unlike them. She was taller and thinner, she had a pale green complexion, and she couldn’t change shape. She was strong and well-suited to life underground, but lacking the ability to burrow or craft on par with her brothers and sisters, she found herself to be an outsider among her own kind, and so she moped through the caverns and chasms near her birthplace while her kin freely wandered the solid depths of Tunellond.

“Over time, our curiosity led us to places she couldn’t follow. Though we meant her no ill, we were blinded by our wanderlust, and our predilection for roaming caused us to abandon her. Lonesome and unable to reach others of her kind, Goblynne wept by a shallow pool. The legend says that as her bitter tears hit the water, the tadpoles within were cursed, eventually growing to become the first true Gobeline or “goblin” people.

“It is widely known, yet rarely mentioned in modern times, that goblins were the products of our heartlessness. These days, you will scarcely encounter a gnome who who will freely talk about it. We tend to hide that bit of our past, or claim it’s only a parable to teach our gnomlings compassion.”

Ages of Prosperity and Peace

“According to the old tales, after roaming the interior of the earth for seven hundred eighty-nine years, the gnomes returned to their place of origin, carrying a wealth of jewels and exotic ores in tow. Goblynne was overjoyed to be reunited with her people and demanded her progeny treat gnomes with kindness and respect. The gnome and goblin people got along quite well for a duration. We frequently traded provisions and treasure, and life was generally good in Tunellond.

“It was only as we first made our way to the surface, or Üppenlende, that the goblins became anxious. They could tell that the gnomes were getting restless, desiring to discover what the untrodden parts of the world had to offer, and Goblynne began to fear she would yet again be abandoned.

“Having spent eons deep beneath the surface, we gnomes found Üppenlende to be an unspoiled paradise, abundant in resources, and its air refreshingly clear – especially in the days before so many humans were around. Back then, we felt no need to hide from your people. You never sought to attack us, and for some reason you all thought we brought good luck with us! Free to do as we pleased, we established the vast kingdom Agegnomia. At our civilization’s industrial peak, the great cities of Bailegnoem and Gnopoli sprawled from valley to mountaintop. Both were glorious to behold.

“To the great shame of our people, we once again left our goblin cousins behind as we migrated upward. Many gnomes who made their homes on the surface suddenly disregarded goblinfolk entirely or maligned them as inferior, unfit for our new fair lands, while still others made paltry excuses for leaving them below, saying the sun may burn their skin, or the dry air might hurt their lungs.

“The truth was that many gnomes felt too ‘tied down’ by the goblins, as they couldn’t move freely through the earth as gnomes do. Those feelings of obligation to aid the goblins competed with our restless legs. We have an instinctive mandate to roam, and that instinct won out, I’m afraid.

“For hundreds of years, we basked in the sun while Goblynne and her kin clawed their way toward the surface with slow determination, forging tunnels, discovering cracks and fissures, inching ever upward. Fueled by feelings of loneliness and betrayal, they chanted ‘rúkkus, rúkkus…‘ which is goblin tongue for ‘war.’

“All the while, gnomekind spread throughout Üppenlende and dispersed to the four corners of Agegnomia. City gnomes and rural gnomes rarely interacted and they nearly lost touch altogether. As a result, our people’s culture continued to fragment and further diversify as the years wore on. The only thing keeping us united as we settled beyond eyeshot of one another was the occasional visit from the Overgnome’s Cardinal Guards, who acted as couriers, lookouts, and general defenders of Agegnomia.

“In time, rumors percolated around the countryside: tools gone missing from barns, crops pilfered or uprooted, and rebellious chickens testing the limits of their caretakers’ patience with bouts of uncharacteristic impudence. All such episodes were blamed on odd sightings of unruly green imps slinking through the shadows by night.

The Revenge of Goblynne, the “Twice Betrayed”

“Life on the surface more or less continued this way for ages, with reported sightings of goblins near our farms and homes, but no outright hostilities were ever confirmed. This protracted détente between our two people was shattered when a group of rambunctious goblins sneaked into the city of Bailegnoem and mounted a brief and loosely-organized assault.

“Though successfully repelled with minimal effort, our king Overgnome Goremblis interpreted this scuffle as a warning: goblins had indeed made their way to the surface and were bent on revenge. He sent out the call for his scouts and loyal guards to make haste for Bailegnoem and Gnopoli, as he suspected Queen Goblynne was preparing her forces for an all-out attack.

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“Goremblis’ most trusted warriors and advisors rushed from the frontiers of Agegnomia to devise counterattack measures and consolidate their forces in the cities. Unbeknownst to the gnome commanders, Goblynne’s soldiers had not merely found their way to the surface – they had tenaciously tunneled directly beneath every gnomic stronghold and location of strategic importance. Expecting a siege from outside the city walls, Sagnamar Margnith deployed a host of battle rabbits outside the perimeter gates. For weeks, the gnome armies waited, on the lookout for signs of goblins on the horizon.

“It was on the fateful day remembered in our tradition as Goremblis’ Folly that the goblins erupted from the sewers of Bailegnoem and Gnopoli, catching the gnome regiments unawares. Soldiers rushed into the city center to meet the surprise attack. Wave after wave, the goblin horde was cut down by the gnome army, but they continued to emerge like foul humors from an infected wound.

“After a significant number of goblins had been dispatched, Goblynne herself rose from the depths and shrieked ‘You may knock us back, but you will never quench the fire in my dear goblins’ hearts. They seek to show you the consequences of your callousness, demolish the monuments to your pride, and remind you that you belong below. For every one of my children you thwart, there will be another to take their place, for there are as many goblins as there are tears I’ve wept, and my tears are innumerable.’

“Goblynne’s speech struck the gnomes’ hearts with a sudden piercing regret and burdened their souls with the weight of dread. The army fought valiantly, but they alone were no match for the thousands of Goblynne’s minions. Gnome soldiers and civilian defenders alike became fatigued, and it seemed the goblins were about to get the best of us.

It was midnight when Goremblis got word that Gnopoli was overrun. The morale of Bailegnoem’s citizenry was crushed by the news, which spread as swiftly as the goblins’ flames. Their spirits broken, they continued fighting with what little vigor they could muster as they prepared to meet the same fate as those in their sister city.

“Unknown to both goblin and gnome, the frantic fighting had caught the attention of a human encampment nearby. A down-on-their luck hunting party led by Jorruf Brickhouse saw the smoke from a distance, and realizing it was a gnome city, diverted his mates toward the action, hoping to reverse their fortunes on the hunting grounds by helping the gnomes overcome their foes. Together, they cried ‘to the luck of the gnomes!’

“They descended upon the melee with swords drawn, diverting a significant number of goblins away from the beleaguered gnome army. The swift, sweeping attack of the human hunters made quick work of many goblin assailants. The gnomes took advantage of the welcome surprise, quickly recovered from the miasma of impending doom and leapt forward as the enemy was on its heels.

“Rattled by the sudden and unexpected appearance of men, Goblynne called upon her fiercest goblin warrior to capture the largely undefended Palace of Bailegnoem. The foul goblin cackled menacingly as it sprinted toward the palace door, only to be challenged by a humble gnome smith named Algnor Steelgnife.

“The goblin thrust its dagger toward Algnor but could not land its blade upon the old gnome, who countered each attack with a modest brush blade. While Algnor distracted the vile goblin from its task, it heard the wails of its brethren as they were systematically eliminated by the hunting party. Frustrated with the sudden turn of events, the goblin dashed away in a fit of cowardice and rage. To this day, when a gnome has shown bravery in the face of danger, they are said to have ‘Algnor’s Courage.’

“Thanks to the humans’ efforts, the gnomes were able to marshal their forces and rally, routing the goblins. As they fled, Goblynne pleaded in a mournful voice that rose above even the loudest clash, ‘Return to your home below! The furnaces are lit and the chambers are warm. Return below and find lasting peace.’ And with that, she and her remaining forces fled.

“At last, the gnomes could take stock of all they had lost. Though successfully beaten back, Goblynne’s army of berserkers had wrecked large swaths of the city. As Algnor and his fellow gnomes surveyed the destruction, they felt their victory to be a hollow one at best. A sea of red littered the city streets, as many a hat was lost on that day.”

The First Gnome March

“As the city was cleared of debris, Overgnome Goremblis overheard one of his officers lamenting the condition of Bailegnoem. ‘We should’ve stayed underground,’ said the guard. ‘We never should’ve left! This is what happens when you neglect your calling. We were made for the earth and we belong in the earth. Instead, we built our cities where they don’t belong, and look at them now: one smashed to bits and the other half-demolished! Just think of the architecture we could’ve created below. So much wasted potential…’

“Goremblis quickly corrected the officer ‘No! A golden opportunity. A chance to return home and look upon it with fresh eyes. No longer taken for granted, we’ll roam to and fro below, and we will know that by doing so, the goblins will torment the surface no more.’

“As he meditated further on his declared course of action, Goremblis concluded that Goblynne wasn’t the enemy of his people, she was their anchor. She was their moral center, keeping them oriented toward home. He made his case to the people, who all having heard Goblynne’s parting entreaty, reluctantly yet solemnly agreed. Goremblis said that by settling the surface, the gnomes upset the natural order of things. Ultimately, we made our world’s problem this world’s problem. Had we not foolishly abandoned Tunellond, the goblins never would have come.

“On that day, all of gnomedom vowed that though we may freely visit the surface, we will never again forsake the element that is our charge. We must always return to Tunellond, to the earth.

“In an effort to raise his subjects’ spirits, Goremblis organized the departure as a parade in celebration of the defense of Bailegnoem and to likewise honor the humans who came to their aid. A procession of proud and hopeful gnomes gathered in the courtyard near the royal palace.”

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“Setting out from Bailegnoem, the parade wound through the city, continued past the gates, and stretched far out into the farmlands. Country gnomes fell in line along the way, bringing only what they could carry on their backs. Some gnomes decided to give away a share of their precious treasure to friends they encountered along the path.

“The march concluded at an earthen tunnel on the frontier. It was a goblin tunnel, in fact. Overgnome Goremblis led his people home, yet neither Goblynne nor any of her horde were to be found upon their return. True to her word, the gnomes found the furnaces lit and their old environs both tidy and warm. Since then, no gnome or man has had to face another goblin army.

“The gnomes now travel from Tunellonde to Üppenlende and back freely, but never give up one for the other. When we see that things are going wrong in this world, we assemble and we march, for we realize that through being united we find our strength. Though able to defend ourselves handily, fighting is not to our taste. We prefer to move about, roving the highest heights and seeking out the deepest depths for no more than the sake of seeing them. We like to take care of the friends we made on the surface, and maybe even bring a little luck their way. Most importantly, we aim to always treat others kindly, and never forget about the ones we love.

“So concludes the story of the first gnome march. Far from a gloating victory lap, it was more a ‘gnomecomeing,’ I’d say.”

What is Truth?

Renton gives no other evidence for the existence of Cognall Gromble, and he undermines the credibility of his purported encounter by ending the chapter like so: “…and with that, the sprightly gnome leapt from his chair, spun around, and wiggled his nose, disappearing through the floor!”

It’s advised you not accept the above story as the authoritative origin and early history of gnomes. After all, there are no other sources corroborating any of the tales in Renton’s Collected Stories of Eurasian Smallfolk. The very few scholars who have read it eye Renton’s claims with deep suspicion, thinking them to be the fever dreams of a man with far too much time on his hands.

Even if broadly untrue, such tales serve to whet the appetite for one to catch a glimpse into a world ordinarily shielded from mortal eyes. We may never know the real reasons behind the periodic mass-mobilization of gnomes, so perhaps it’s best that we simply appreciate these marches as an opportunity to admire a fragment of the magic that underpins the foundations of existence. Let them provide us with a reminder that some element of transcendental enchantment persists in this seemingly mundane modern world.

In Part II of this essay, we will be examining the rich variety of expression to be found in contemporary gnome march sightings. I hope you’ll join me as we continue to plumb the depths of this mysterious yet not-too-terribly uncommon phenomenon.