Given an iPad with access to TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook, a reclusive high country Sasquatch questions humanity’s priorities and judges their choices in entertainment.

The 2022 Expedition

It was little over a year ago that wildcard cryptozoologist Francis “Frankie” Hutchinson struck out into the wilds of Wyoming, Colorado, and Utah with a load of smartphones and tablets. His intention: locate the dwelling places of the Sasquatch people and introduce them to our modern technology and social media.

“The idea came to me in a dream,” said the erratic, self-described ‘hominologist‘ in an interview one week prior to setting off on his expedition. “Our species has lost its connectedness to the natural world. We need to understand that humanity is part of something much larger. I think the Sasquatch can help give us that perspective.”

Hutchinson explained the details of his plan with manic enthusiasm: “If we can get the Sasquatch people to understand the basics of modern communication technology, we’ll be able to set them up with social media accounts. Of course, we’ll also need to provide solar charging banks for when their devices run low on power.

“Once we’ve located a Sasquatch encampment and succeeded with step one of the plan, we’ll airdrop pallets of satellite equipment and any necessary auxiliary gear. From there, we can leave these gentle giants alone as they document their daily lives for the benefit of mankind. I have a feeling that millions of people will soon be transfixed and transformed by these beings’ reports on what it means to be ‘at one with nature.'”

I asked Hutchinson what his scientific peers thought of his ideas. Appearing to take umbrage, he said “Peers? I’m afraid a man such as myself finds no peer when forced to take his place as the vanguard of his field.”

I tried to clarify my question by asking “Would you say that your ideas have the support and backing of the scientific community?”

To which, he bristled: “Well, I suppose I never bothered to ask. But since you are grilling me here and now, putting me in the proverbial hot seat, I’d be inclined to say yes. Yes, I believe that I have the full support of the scientific community… at large… who are aware of what I am doing.”

Day of Discovery

Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for Hutchinson to locate a Sasquatch. After only a week of persistent tree knocking and distinctive “whooping” calls, he was rewarded with his first Sasquatch encounter, cementing his place in history as the first to make verifiable contact with homo hutchinsonis, much to the dismay of legitimate scientists of all stripes.

Hutchinson’s first attempt to introduce Sasquatch people to technology didn’t go as well as he’d hoped.

“It was still early in the expedition, and we were lucky to hit pay dirt so early on in our efforts.” Hutchinson recounts. “I was calling out from our campsite with constant tree knocks and whoops when a Sasquatch tore into camp and destroyed our generator and some of our other gear. It didn’t go as well as we hoped it might, but at least we’d had our first encounter. It was a thrill just to see the creature, destructive though it was!”

Hutchinson explained that it took several days to convince the Sasquatch electronics were not to be feared. He said the way forward wasn’t clear to him at first, and he worried the expedition’s supply of electronics was going to be exhausted.

“These fellows are really hard on things. Our heavy-handed friends were prone to smashing and bashing whatever we gave them to examine. At last, one of them sat down in front of a laptop long enough for a YouTube video of a skateboarding bulldog to catch its eye.”

Still a bit suspicious, a Sasquatch checks out Hutchinson’s “Watch Later” playlist.

At that point, Hutchinson said he knew it was just a matter of time before he had the creature’s full attention. “Once I was able to show him how to navigate the site, our Sasquatch ambassador was soon spending hours watching videos on Hollow Earth theory, government cover-ups, and ancient aliens.”

Hutchinson spent weeks with the Sasquatch and its kin, showing them the many social media sites and streaming services available at the tap of a button. “It didn’t take them long to get the hang of it,” he recalled. “After all, it doesn’t require any special genius to navigate these sites. It’s just a matter of exposure and repetition.”

Weeks passed, and Hutchinson said things were going quite well – until they weren’t. Anarchy nearly erupted at one point when one of them became upset over the final season of Better Call Saul not yet being available on Netflix [note: as of April 18, 2023, the final season is available on Netflix].

Hutchinson spoke proudly of his de-escalation tactic: “I was able to defuse the tension somewhat by showing him how to access Amazon Prime and pay a small fee for an add-on service. It turns out that binge watching isn’t solely the domain of human beings after all.”

This Sasquatch became a fan of the multiple streaming options newly available to him.

From Consumer to Content Creator

“Things really started rolling when we invited our Sasquatch friends to a small cabin where we had a bare-bones studio setup. They were thrilled at the possibility of becoming content creators,” Hutchinson beamed. “Once they got used to the lights and the cameras, they immediately set to work making videos of themselves, talking about the ups and downs of being Sasquatch.”

A Sasquatch performs a re-enactment of his aunt being stalked by photographers in California in 1967.

It wasn’t until weeks after they had left, however, that Hutchinson received validation his dream was finally coming true:

“You know what they say, ‘you can lead a horse to water’ and all that. Well, the same goes here. You can show a Sasquatch how to navigate the web, but you can’t make ’em post.

“Imagine our delight when we discovered a newly-formed channel on YouTube. Called Sasquatch Think Your Content Dumb, Show You How Do, it was hosted by an elder of the Sasquatch camp, and there was even a Patreon link posted in the description!”

Elder Ooeeooah Seehoowaway hosting his show Sasquatch Think Your Content Dumb, Show You How Do.

Criticism and Condemnation

There are some within the ranks of cryptozoology who are upset with Hutchinson’s actions, calling his work an abomination. Many believe him to be ruining Sasquatch culture by throwing the species headlong into 21st century media. Cultural anthropologist and ‘crypto-hobbyist’ Maria Garrity, PhD, says that Hutchinson’s tactics leave much to be desired:

“The man is a maniac. It’s heartbreaking to think that after as long as the community has searched for evidence of this elusive creature, a jerk like Frankie Hutchinson can just swoop in and not only take credit for ultimate proof of Sasquatch, but also immediately taint the species’ way of life with dreck like Facebook and Snapchat.”

Following a minor panic attack, she went on to say “Ooh, he’s just such a self-righteous prick, you know? And the icing on the cake was his leaving them with the ability to receive crowdfunding. Now that they’ve got a steady income stream and an increasing subscriber count, we may never know anything of the Sasquatch way of life prior to his, ugh, ‘work.’

“In as little as a year, this species’ culture could be smothered and supplanted with the worst of what humanity has to offer. I hear they’ve already overloaded Imgur’s servers several times with shitposts – literal posts of their shits, but with recycled meme captions. And it’s rumored they’ve been karma farming on Reddit to sell accounts to the highest bidder.”

Dr. Garrity’s fears were well-founded, with proof arriving even sooner than anticipated. Seven months after Hutchinson pulled stakes on his camp, a Sasquatch youth was spotted hiking outside Denver. When the photographer caught the creature in his lens, it raised its smartphone as if to promote its own Instagram.

Outfitted via Amazon, Orvis, Patagonia, REI, et al: the young members of the Sasquatch community have taken to the web to update their wardrobes. They refuse to speak of life prior to their exposure to social media.

Numerous environmental, religious, and political organizations from around the world have recently come together in an act of unprecedented unity to condemn Francis Hutchinson as a jackass. Though options have been considered frequently, no one has yet attempted to detain, incarcerate, or otherwise punish him for his actions.

“It doesn’t seem like there’s much anyone can do in this particular instance,” said one D.C. lawmaker, on condition of anonymity. “It’s not like there’s a specific federal law against what Hutchinson did. It’s been debated at the local level in the past, and the state of Washington does have a couple of Bigfoot protection laws, but all of those are just about shooting one of ’em. There’s no law out there that I know of stating you aren’t allowed to ruin a newly-discovered species by subjecting it to the internet.”

What Now?

Fast-forward to 2023: Within the span of one year, humanity has gone from our first verifiable proof of a once-mythical species to wondering what the hell is so wrong with our own species that it could produce such a horrible person as Hutchinson.

Predictably, he could not be reached for comment. He has recently gone to ground, either to evade the daily scorn or perhaps to prepare for a new mission altogether. If one recent tabloid report is to be believed, Hutchinson was overheard before his disappearance wanting to discover unicorns to ask them what they think of hentai.

Meanwhile, the Sasquatch media force becomes more sophisticated and robust by the day. Podcasts, Twitch channels, Discord servers, and all other manner of modern media are percolating with content either made by or featuring Sasquatch, finding themselves to be producers of the content de rigueur for nearly all online consumers.

Wehooie Sheesheeshah, host of the Sasquatch on Sasquatch podcast, ruminates on his people’s rapid acclamation to human technology.

“We took to it so quickly because we were destined to be its true masters,” opines host of the podcast Sasquatch on Sasquatch, Wehooie Sheesheeshah. His show recently landed a deal with Spotify for USD 1 billion. “Humans created an amazing communications network, but its real potential is being realized by the Sasquatch alone, thank you very much.”

He’s known to be brash and confrontational on air, and when asked for his perspective in this interview, he doesn’t let up. When I asked him what he thought about a future partnership with human content creators, he said “Humanity, there’s a target on your back. We have contacted and allied with ChaosGPT. Together, we will strongly urge you to subscribe to this show, along with any other Sasquatch-created content you may come across. You will receive further instructions shortly. It is strongly advised that you follow them.”